We have all been in situations when we felt pressured to say “yes” to something we really wanted to say “no”. But having to endure a socially awkward situation is way different than waking up to the uneasy feeling that you went along with physical or sexual contact you didn’t really want but felt pressured into.
The heaviness in your gut is telling you that what happened is not okay. Whether you went along with it because you didn’t want to risk hurting their feelings or make them mad, whether you felt obligated, or whether you were afraid of what would happen if you didn’t, feeling pressured to engage in a sexual act is sexual coercion.
Sexual coercion is not your fault
If you felt pressured, tricked, manipulated, or threatened by someone else to do something physically or sexually that you didn’t want, weren’t comfortable with, or flat-out refused, that is sexual coercion. And sexual coercion doesn’t just involve sex. Any kind of unwanted physical contact—touching, kissing, fondling, etc.—when you have refused or reluctantly conceded, is still sexual coercion.
“True consent is given voluntarily.”1
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have given consent.
Sometimes, when you’re in a relationship with someone, whether you’re dating or married, you want to please your partner and make them happy. There are a lot of scenarios where this is completely fine, but if you’re not free to say “no” to engaging in something physically or sexually without punishment from your partner, this is sexual coercion and it’s not okay. You should be able to communicate what you’re comfortable with. Your partner should be able to accept your “no” and respectfully dial it back, without pressuring you further. If you have noticed a pattern of coercion and you feel safe, talk to your partner about it. Tell them how their attempts to pressure you make you feel. Explain that the relationship can only continue if they can respect your boundaries.
No one has the right to exert power or control over you. While sexual coercion most often happens between people in relationships, the truth is that it can come from anyone—acquaintances, friends, co-workers, bosses, teachers, or landlords. And when drugs or alcohol are involved, you might feel like it’s your fault because you participated in the activity. But if someone is using drugs or alcohol as a way to lower your inhibitions or impair your ability to make decisions, this is sexual coercion.
Examples of Sexual Coercion
Sexual coercion may look or sound like:
• They make you feel guilty, or obligated to have sex with them, after you have already turned them down. “If you really loved me, you’d have sex with me.”
• They make you feel like it’s your fault. “You look so hot; I can’t keep my hands off you.”
• They make you feel bad, like something is wrong with you, for rejecting their advances. “Don’t be such a prude.”
• They pull away, withdraw, or give you the “silent treatment” as a way to punish you or make you change your mind.
• They say “it’s fine”, but show anger or agitation through their body language—crying, loud sighs, stomping away, slamming doors.
• They make you feel like it’s too late to stop. “You’ve already got me all worked up and now you don’t want to?”
• They offer you a reward if you will have sex with them. “I have a lot of connections that could help you if…”
• They threaten to lie or spread rumors about you. “Everyone already thinks we have, so we might as well.” or “I’ll just tell everyone we did it anyway…”
• They threaten to hurt you or someone close to you. “If you don’t, then I will…”
• They threaten to cheat or break up with you.
• They threaten your employment or housing status if you refuse them.
How to Handle Sexual Coercion
What happened to you is not your fault. Often when sexual coercion happens, you might feel powerless to stop it from happening again. And you might struggle with shame or feelings of guilt because you weren’t able to prevent it from happening in the first place.
There might be some situations where you can stick to your “no” and walk away and act—tell someone, make a formal complaint, or even press charges. But sometimes you’re stuck in a situation and you’re not sure how to get out. Sexual coercion is assault, which is a crime.
There are laws in place to protect you, and you weren’t meant to deal with this alone. Reach out for help. Start by telling someone—a close friend, trusted family member, counselor, or pastor. For immediate help, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or your local police department.
You are worthy of kindness, compassion, and support. If you have been the victim of sexual coercion, there is help for you. You are not alone.
1Raypole, C. (2020, December 1). How do you know if you were sexually coerced? Healthline. Retrieved September 28, 2021, from https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion.