Congratulations! After nine months of waiting, you finally hold your precious child in your arms. You count their fingers and toes. Repeatedly. You stare at them while they sleep, smile at the countless faces they make, and wonder, “Do babies dream? And what do they dream about?!” You speculate who they take after and wondered what color their eyes will be. And you never understood how you could instantly fall in love with someone you just met until now.
Soon you’re at home and trying to survive the first week, the first month. Reality isn’t anywhere close to what you anticipated this would all look and feel like, and you find you’re feeling overwhelmed with the realization that this cute little human is completely dependent on you for love, security, food, and everything they need to survive.
You might feel a little guilty for not enjoying the whole experience. Between interrupted sleep, hormones fluctuating, and physical exhaustion, you feel frazzled, disoriented and even a little crazy. Stepping into motherhood can feel a little like stepping off a moving walkway. Life has changed abruptly and so much feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
6 pieces of advice for new moms
You’re not alone
If you begin to notice an increase in mood swings or feelings of overwhelm, sadness, anxiety, or irritation that intensify, an inability to concentrate, difficulty sleeping, or appetite changes, you may be struggling with the “baby blues”. This is quite common after giving birth. According to the Mayo Clinic, this depression can range from mild to severe, and though there’s not a single cause, the physical and emotional changes a woman’s body undergoes after giving birth, can attribute to a mild form of depression that lasts anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks.1
Call your doctor if two weeks after giving birth your symptoms have not disappeared or have worsened, if you are unable to complete daily tasks, or care for yourself or your baby, and if you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. This can be an indication of postpartum depression, which affects around 15% of new moms. Postpartum psychosis is rare, but very serious, and can be life-threatening if not treated immediately. If you are struggling with depression after giving birth, you’re not alone. Seek professional help if your symptoms continue to linger or worsen.
Give yourself time
Seasons don’t change in an instant. Winter snows melt away but the evidence of spring emerges slowly. It is a process, and so it is with entering motherhood. Many new moms can attest to having the unrealistic expectation of leaving the hospital wearing their favorite pair of jeans. It just doesn’t work! Your body needs time to heal physically from the task of growing and giving birth to a human being. Don’t toss those maternity pants aside just yet. Embrace this season of comfy over cute. And just like seasons change, this one won’t last forever either.
Not only does your body need time to heal, but you also need time to adjust to your new role as a mom. Motherhood can feel disorienting, and you may find yourself struggling with discouragement or second guessing every decision. Be kind to yourself. Remember that this is all a new experience. You have never done this before. Take a moment to acknowledge and name your feelings. Share them with a friend. Most moms have experienced similar feelings and can encourage and provide guidance for you, as you navigate this new season.
Let go of expectations
Whether from friends, family members, or the constant bombardment of perfectly coiffed pictures and clips on social media, we all have ideas of what motherhood should look like. When reality is a far cry from our expectations, we may struggle with feelings of failure and shame. It’s important to be reminded of the fact that no one else in the history of ever has given birth to the human you’re holding.
There is no helpful advice, book, blog, podcast, or YouTube tutorial that can fully prepare you for becoming a mom. After hours of hard WORK (isn’t that the definition of labor?) and in complete exhaustion, you are handed a unique human, and expected to know what to do. Let this be your reminder that it’s okay. It’s okay to let go of expectations of what this should be and instead embrace what is:
It’s okay if you don’t know what you’re doing—we are all trying to do the best we can!
It’s okay if you haven’t showered for days—why else was dry shampoo invented?
It’s okay if the house is messy and laundry is piling up—your priorities have shifted.
It’s okay if you can’t figure out why your baby is crying—if only they came with an instruction manual and volume control!
It’s okay if nursing isn’t working and you need to switch to formula—no one asks adults whether they were breastfed or not!
It’s okay to ask for help—there are people who love you and want to help you!
Don’t Compare
It’s easy to feel “less than” when we see moms and families who seem to have it all “together”. Our own critical thoughts condemn us. Even friends and family members, in an effort to be helpful, can easily crush us with their suggestions and “you should try…” advice.
It’s easy to forget that, behind the scenes, there is a messiness unique to motherhood. What might appear composed and confident, may be riddled with feelings of insecurity and fear. Don’t compare yourself to your perception of others and their experience with motherhood. Take a risk and be honest about the ways you’re struggling as a new mom. You may find you have more in common with them than you thought!
Embrace This Season
In the first year of being a new mom, it can be easy to look at only the hard aspects of each season, rather than focus on what’s special and fun. The first months consist of adjusting to a feeding and sleep schedule, finding solutions when baby is crying, and venturing out into the world with what seems like half of your house stuffed into a bag! But baby is also growing and changing so fast.
They have their eyes open longer, make sweet baby noises, and begin to smile. Soak up those moments of wonder. And try to embrace the fact that you might walk away from a cart full of groceries because your baby won’t stop screaming. (That happens frequently in stores around the country, right?) Each day contains highs and lows and while it’s important to name both, take time to replay the highs, how you felt in those moments, what your baby was doing, why it was special.
Ask for Help
Our mothers taught us to be strong women who know how to take care of ourselves. And while independence is a good thing, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength and humility to admit when you need help. The old phrase, “it takes a village”, rings true as we were meant to live in community. When we reach out and ask for help, we give someone the opportunity to love and serve us, which is a gift to the one who is able to help!
Did you know that most Pregnancy Resource Centers provide one-on-one mentoring or support groups for new parents? They also have information about community programs available that provide practical help to new moms. Whether you are parenting alone or with your partner, Pregnancy Resource Centers can connect you to a support system that provides on-going encouragement and support as you navigate motherhood. I
If you’re in the Northern Oklahoma area, contact us! We would be more than happy to show you local support groups in our area.
1Mayo Clinic Staff. “Symptoms and Causes.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617?p=1.